Anger speaking

What do women do when they figure out men, when they have laid themselves bare in some book, something they've written, something someone else says, something a friend lets drop ...what do women do when they realise the extent of their power, and the tentativeness and absolute and complete uncertainty of it. What do they do with the feeling of lonely power over some men, and the lack of it over others. And lets not even pretend that we don't know which one she would want more.

Its the same everywhere. Maybe we should be glad of moments that lasted of lust and the intermittent power it gave - the fluctuations, the back and forth, and the insipid ending. In the same way that men seek moments, we should be glad that we had them, and leave it at that. Couldn’t want more, don't want more. And this is the strange thing, the same man, who loves me daily, who would really give me a backrub and put me to sleep if I’m tired, is the same man who was miserably mean in leaving his last woman for me.

Its the same man, who stares at me with so much anxiety, while I know that no amount of kneeling and giving blow jobs is going to make the other man go away from his mind or mine. How much will I do this, before I can honestly say - I’m tired, I get it, I’m the girl you want for a long long time, and he's gone inspite of some remnants of lust in me which I actually might be glad not to have to deal with, really. But meanwhile secrets blow inside me, and I speak them only to cocks in my mouth. They are the only ones listening....strangely. The organ that I should as a woman despise and think of it as the one that leads men astray, is the only thing left that I’m being honest to. Before you came back, I was in a loo, giving a blowjob in a shower, with water entering my mouth and nose. I couldn't breathe. But it was what I wanted. Its not punishment, as much as, this is tough. It doesn't let me think of anything else. That is a relief.

Humanity and empathy has leaked out. Or those are wrong words - what is it that 'sinners' feel for each other, what little children caught together for some grievous wrong feel for each other - the relief that there is companionship. Someone else there in the dark room where we sit and acknowledge the darkness of our hidden lust. But the darkest side of most men would still not fuck a woman who is fucking someone else. Which I just find strange. What lopsided world do we live in that acknowledges and celebrates a man's desire. Where I know enough or have learned enough to say to any man - sleep with whoever, but I meanwhile I am to be owned, rarely fucked, rarely entered, rarely known by anyone else. But unfortunately I am. In one man's two months of celibacy, I knew sex and intimacy too often and in too many real ways.

This is anger speaking, it can't be told. It can't be said. He was right, there is no way a man can be a spare wheel, there is no way I can be knowingly shared. Raise a toast to deception, brutality and lying ;) ....this is why in some cultures women are stoned for cheating, its because of the multitudes of sins they have to commit alongside, not just the body given in pleasure to someone else.

Sometimes I wish that men didn't write -- because women I think don't want to know. They put themselves out there too much, too generously, too honestly. Ban the Lolita, the Girls, the Disgrace --- its enough. We know too much already. Anymore, and we may not love anymore. Or it would be a strange love, one that exists merely because I know I can still turn this man on after 5 years. A love filled with gratitude, with resentment of other men, with anger not spoken.