lonely cigarettes

Lonely cigarettes
Holding the changes
In smoke
That goes up
And up
And never gives the answer
Before it fades away.
Or hanging up there
In a cloud
We're lonely here
Inches from completion
Holding off the nightmares
With one free hand.
I never meant to turn to smoke within your hands
Insubstantial… lost …. Fading away
Should have been burning , gently
Holding still to the warmth of where I am..
But by the time you came….
Something had crumbled and fallen off
Black and weary .
Very little still burns
Very little actually wakes up to another day.
Each day adding and subtracting
To the sum total of ash
That cannot be fuel anymore.
But there are embers
Little burning bits
Far from the whole of which they were a part
But still atleast could tell
What happenned here
Who came and who did what
Maybe in a garbled language
That you wouldn't have the patience to
Decipher.
But I can't leave this ..
And you can't leave that …
So we're stuck
With a few days
Sex
Inanity
And
My Secret Energy
Hope
One Open Door…………………..

(from very long ago- the first hurt from casual sex, that led to pregnancy also. as a male practitioner once said - i'm older now, have learned to ride with the punches.)