erotics: been there, done that..

It is often said that you shouldn't work on something that you like too much. So lesbians should possibly steer clear of sexuality (and they never do, in fact that’s what they are best at and how most of them get laid, bitchiness excused). And gay men should probably never do work on internet dating cultures, which is why they would do fashion or atleast dream of being an assistant to a diva or starring in Devil wears Prada. So I should probably avoid working on pornography, except I’m not a committed daily junkie. It’s a weird confluence of sex, horniness and loneliness – a peculiar exact mix that brings me to pornography, and at any other time it is either uninspiring or too depressing.

My immediate reaction to pornography is to twist away from it to see if anyone is watching me. The head twist has a history, from the time of writing stories and poems when I was much younger that I didn't want parents to read, to downloading music and watching movies in offices that I didn't want the head honchos to see. Till I found actual pornography - the neck twister extraordinaire. Or actually I first found cyber sex. The guilty thrill of forming actual sentences, grammatically correct and penned erotically, in your head before typing them out. Deliberately corset-ed and trussed up thoughts about what you would do, if only, if only, if only...

If only you were beautiful enough to be the centre of attention, strong enough to do the throw-down with someone else’s frailer body, wealthy enough to wine, dine, fly off to another city and then do it again and powerful enough to be none of the rest, but just to do it anyway. Erotics in pajamas. And sensual, thrilling erotics at that.

But when it slips away, it just does. Somehow the sight of the keyboard, an IM client that bounces and the thrill of removing underwear under the table at your office desk when instructed across oceans to do so, suddenly becomes not so hot anymore. Now I understand all those geeks who are nostalgic for older IRC clients, yahoo messenger smileys and non-ergonomic noisy keyboards. Like in the privacy of a new life I miss the head twist, without which this can be kind of pointless.

So pointless that I look for educational sexual videos on female ejaculation. But then polymorphous perverse porno has its slippery wet way with me and you're suddenly sucked into horror, fascination, intense hot dislike for what you are seeing which to me has always been what porno is about. If you don't actually hate it, then you're never going to be surprised when you check yourself and slip a finger into an unsuspecting pussy.