I'm doing something really stupid .. something only maybe a certain kind of music aficionado will understand. Which is to visit lands of unheard music from a certain time ... its a rush of what is simultaneously familiar and usually feels so distant and historically chapterised in your life as Last Year.
I'm particularly vulnerable to this when a year has gone by, and you're standing on the same dates again .. leap years and other minute calculations in the shift of the earth's axis aside, it feels like standing in a concentric circle, further away but there are points in the circle of last year that are closer than the previous month or the next month.
Not that this would make sense... but here's the music
Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.
Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe, you didn't know him at all,
you didn't know him at all,
oh, you didn't know"?
Last Goodbye, Jeff Buckley or the Natalie Merchant version
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I cant let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldnt drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldnt drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild Horses
(Rolling Stones) version by Alicia Keys and Adam Smith
Don't give hate a chance, Jamiroquai
My skin, Natalie Merchant (I can't bear to hear this song now sometimes)
Caramel, Suzzane Vega & The Blower's Daughter, Damien rice (ugh ugh ugh)
Shadows of ourselves (in French) so thankfully the lyrics are not potent, by Thievery Corporation -- a glimmer of what was to hold my hand and pull me out
Dead can Dance and Liz Fraser remix of Massive Attack's Teardrop
Lots of bizarre Spanish music that thankfully I wasn't nuts enough to translate.. including Shakira and a lot of stuff from the Y tu mama tambien soundtrack especially the one by Cafe Tacuba.
Okay... I'm laughing now... this is an ordinary enough blog post to allow me to retrospectively celebrate my narrow escape from bad taste and so many other things that can't be named ... paranoid loneliness and unequal affections ..
*grin*
A few days ago I was with a group of people who aren't that friendly yet to feel much for each other (and these are the only groups I can handle these days), and the conversation was about everyone's first trips. They ranged from the most paranoid to the mellow, but I suddenly now remember mine. I was 20, stoned and alone, unbothered by the boy I was making out with then talking to his all-time crush, and had left to go into my hostel room. And there after being stoned for what seemed like hours, I found a photograph of myself taken a year before that in Goa. With long hair, a strange slanted baseball cap on my head, paddy fields behind me that had seemed so neon but on the photo were just pale ordinary green, a crooked smile only four years away from having been restrained by retainers. While stoned, I looked at that photograph not realizing its me and said to myself.. I feel so much for this person, love her maybe...
I wish looking back was that sublime now... though if I look that far back, I think I would still agree .. it would be hard not to .. :-b
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