Sweet Dreams are made of Internet Mixed Up Chat Windows and Cheese

To The Barmaid (at http://loveandhaterade.typepad.com)

Romances that live partly in your inbox and in your imagination are definitely 2005. Possibly I carried a few into 2006, but the penny is dropping. But I want to tell a story about a friend of mine, very much like you, belonging to a category that I like to call - the Writing Woman. Even I write, I guess...but its different from the Writing Woman, the Writing Woman writes to her lovers, to her friends, to her parents, to everything and everyone in sight, and she talks about her writing. (I hide in a corner of the world wide web in a secret blog, that I take pleasure at looking at myself like I just stumbled on it).

Well, so she writes, and she says that she's been on the dating rollercoaster, little wheel for the mice to run in, and any other unending analogy that one can come up with, for now 3 years. So she's pissed, she's tired; she had an amazing first date with someone, who never quite came back with the same intensity.

And let me tell you, to date in a dateless world like India, is a little tough. I'm sure that there are people even here, who actually date, with all the little rules about phone-calls and walk-you-back-home all in place. But basically, how do Indians in India get around to sex and relationships... I think its called sleep-together-first-time-we-meet-and-lets-see-how-it-goes.

lol

I’m serious, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But pretty much you realise it was a date, because you had sex, so you retrospectively rename it as one.

But this woman does it the correct way, she meets for coffee and there are intentions that are clear and spelt out in the air. And yet it manages to unravel into a night of no-sex but amazing conversation, and a lot of lean-ins, kisses and hands combing through hair. (this is not me, as mentioned above, I fuck ASAP so I know for sure)

And then, to put it in a banal way, which should hopefully not disguise for you, how horrifying and earth-shaking these moments can be, he never came back. Well, he called, they met, but it was never the same.

This was preceded by another horrifying online relationship (by the way online dating - its not bad, but yes, I wouldn't recommend it, because butterflies from words, I suspect, might just be that weakness that absolutely does you in, beyond Eye-fucking and the Glances). The horrifying online relationship ended when the man said - I can't do this, I’m married.

This is beginning to sound like I made up this friend, but its actually me. It isn't, my story is far more horrible and guilt-ridden and not worth laundering (hence the secret blog visited only by dirty men)

But to get to the juicy part of the story. so she decides - its enough, lets get off this ride, lets call a ban, lets end it, lets take a break. and she tells me this, and for some strange reason, it breaks me to see this lose of hope. I’m the cheating, lying cynic in the world, she's the romantic who allows me to be that way.

I can say things like I can live in multiple worlds, have sex only for sex, be with men for a long time, and still never call it more than fucking, because she exists. She's still looking and wants to find that earth shattering connection, that makes all the mistakes before look like all the bad songs in a Bollywood movie, till the one that has been aired the most and is the 'rocking number' comes along.

And one day, she's talking to me online (by the way, important element of the story - I’m stuck in Amsterdam for two months far from my desh ki dharti, which makes me chat-dependent and internet-dependent to a horrifying extent) and I’m also talking to my oldest friend, a sweetheart, a man who makes up for the entire mistakes of the rest of the male species, makes their cynicism bearable - hell, makes mine palatable. And is not gay.

Now I’ve suggested the two to each other, very tentatively before, but never quite seriously. But they are both talking to me, and I’m trying to talk to yet another inaccessible, 30 something man who has that exact mix of intensity, sexual experience and indifference that turns me on. So I paste a portion of what she's saying to him. And what he's saying to her.
For convenience sake - he's - Hope-of-male-species
and she is - Writing Woman
me (is me, though catwoman to the 30 something BDSM obsessed man)
imagine me juggling through the 3 conversations, two - being friendly and supportive, and one - talking dirty and sexy

me : Hope-of-male-species is very upset today, he almost got back with his ex-girlfriend (who is a bitch and seriously psycho)
Writing Woman: very good, tell him there are some nice women in this world, especially for a man who is funny

me : I will (and I do - text flies from this chat window to the other one)
me (pasting from Hope-of-male-species): Hope-of-male-species says this- she (psycho ex-girlfriend) asks if she can't be there in my life to help me with my hurt, and I say no, I have friends for that

Writing Woman : rocking, go mallu boy
Oh devil woman devil woman let go of me
Devil woman let me be leave me alone I'm going back home

Writing Woman: laugh
that was for Hope-of-male-species

me: *grin* (evil plans are hatching in my head, and the text has obviously flown to the other chat window)

Writing Woman: also
She’s just a devil woman with evil on her mind
Beware the devil woman she’s gonna get you
She’s just a devil woman with evil on her mind
Beware the devil woman
She’s gonna get you from behind

me: okay...you're on a roll

Writing Woman: a google roll

me: hmmmm.... he says devil woman maane horn yukt (with)

Writing Woman: horn is a sign of sexual deviousness...hence the word horny

me: haha...then why toey in australia. toes are a sign of sexual deviousness too?

Writing Woman: because satan was cast in the image of pagan gods
Writing Woman: no australia is a sign of sexual deviousness

me: hahahahaha

me: Hope-of-male-species says - The real lyrics were:
I want to f*ck you like an animal
You get me closer to god

But I misheard them as:
I want a duck shaped like a triangle
You give a toaster to Bob

me: lol

Writing Woman: haha... www.kissthisguy.com/

me: yeah...

Writing Woman: I think its one of the cutest things on the net

me: sweet dreams are made of cheese

me: they are actually

Writing Woman: laugh

Notice that they are now both equipped with each other's chat ids (this is me being unwittingly subtle)
And so they got to know each other, talked for seven hours the first time that night after I left, and then proceeded to skype, meet in person and fuck and talk and fuck and talk, like crazy little animals who just discovered a sex drive that all along had been held in check because of missed chances, intermittent sadness and stupid people who are unfortunately still out there. All the things you dream that you would do if you found the one, they did... (or so I hope and imagine)

Just to give an insight into how this whole thing gives me hope, lets look at my hiterhto hidden third chat window with 30 something sex-crazed extremely politically savvy and important man

SexyThrillofMonth says: shame you dont have a cam. I would love to see you wet and open

catwoman says:
shame you don't have a cam... would like to see you swell ... a little

SexyThrillofMonth says:
mmm you will soon... as my cock rests gently on your tongue... feeling it starting to swell and harden... wishing to close your mouth around it.. waiting for permission to taste it

catwoman says:
can I taste it?

SexyThrillofMonth says:
hmmm not yet


Not yet by the way has still not materialized.
It is the irony of the world, that I who asked for as little as just a "sexy weekend away from your girlfriend" didn't get any juice, and two people who stuck it out and asked for nothing less than love, are having the wildest sexiest weekend.

But it isn't something that makes me feel bad, as much as it gives me hope, that people like you, Writing Woman and Hope-of-male-species are holding out to the somewhat ridiculed and considered naive hope that you can be taken in from the cold, unfriendly rain, and not just for a brief escapade.

*hugs* and *kisses*,
Wild Horses(aka wild cat *giggle*)

PS : If I had known you before, I would have set you up with Hope-of-male-species. I think I like you more .... but now he's gone, and I think you've learnt valuable lessons about taken men, so I wouldn't want to undo that. Besides long-distance with few continents in the middle - not a good idea.